San Valentino

I wish I could say

That sleeping with someone

Who isn't you

In this bed that isn't mine

Felt entirely right.

(And I did kiss him first.)

That I don't mind

Stepping on used condoms

Days later.

I wish I could say

I didn't falter tonight

When I talked

In front of a crowd.

But my voice broke

Many,

Many times.

I'm not the best at acknowledging facts

Which is why I force myself to write.

I didn't know how much I missed you

Until someone mentioned you today.

She said that you drank a lot last night,

Because friends kept buying you drinks.

That you were hilarious,

That you apologized for the state you were in

And made sure everybody knew

How to get back home.

She had never really liked you

Before.

"He's a sweet drunk,"

She said.

I said:

"That's the person I met

In October,

And yes,

I thought he was great.

I didn't know

He'd been drinking

Since five."

And the further we walked

Down Bedford

Looking for Vanessa's Dumpling House

The more I longed for you.

Can you feel it

From your end

Of the borough?

I am sending it out,

This freak of a feeling

Because it needs some air,

The drizzle will refresh it

And on its way back home

It will hopefully get lost,

Get hit by a cab,

Wander the docks

Like a ghost,

Haunt Red Hook

For the next fifty years.

And yet

Eventually

I will hear it scratching

At the door,

It knows I need it

To give shape

To my restlessness.

I'm sorry I fled

A week ago

When our eyes met

In the hallway.

You were trying to be nice,

I saw the beginning of a nod,

I can lie to you in public

Where I'm playing

My role,

Pretending I don't mind

You're there,

Focusing on work

(As useless as it is,

Since I know

That you know).

But not when it's just

Your eyes

And mine.

I should wear a bracelet

That screams if I get too close.

Less than a hundred feet!

Whaaahaaa!

This is my sad

And funny

Valentine

For you,

An ego-boost for a rainy night

(In the unlikely case you read this),

The proof that I'm bored with everyone,

More than I knew,

And something that we'll never talk about

since I will deny it is about you

Until the end of times,

When stars start crashing down

And the Earth is ablaze.